Right off bacon and eggs.Nightmare last night. Had this little fella, no bigger than a pigmy's thumb in the custardy sweet, (Yeah I know,spelling, but it was a dream) who'd been on remand for years,  charged with stealing a packet of smoked bacon and accessory to murder the pig. While CPS lawyers agonised on the possibility of this being a loser several more pigs had mysteriously disappeared which they said proved it couldn't be him because he was in custody.  After two trials he was found not guilty and the judge remanded him into my care so I could give him a bath. I put him into some hot water and he went solid like a boiled egg. I couldn't resuscitate him because his breath smelt so bad and took him to the sergeant who said he'd put him in a sandwich and report he'd escaped and anyway he'd got his just desserts. Some people are such callous bastards.

Daftland

Daftland.

We live in a country called Daftland
The England we knew is no more
Where sensible people do ludicrous things
Or risk breaking some Daftland law.
In Daftland we've police dogs with muzzles
Less the villain has cause to complain
And to steal from a shop and say 'sorry'
Means you're free with no stain to your name.

You had better leave lights on in buildings
When you lock up and go out at night
'cause the burglars might hurt themselves entering
And there's no way you'll be in the right.
When speaking be wary in Daftland
As some terms that you've used all your life
Now have connotations unintended
And you'll end up in all sorts of strife.

We elect politicians in Daftland
To give us the laws of the land
Yet eight laws in ten now come from abroad
The whole thing has got out of hand.
The borders are open in Daftland
And of migrants there's no keeping track
Just a few of the thousands illegally here
Will ever be caught and sent back.

The exception to this is the hero
Who fought for this land in the war
He's old and he's sick, he might cost us a bit
So he's not welcome here any more.
When the history is written of Daftland
Historians may just recall
That the craziest people in DaftlandWere the public who put up with it all.