Monday 3 December 2012

Suspicion


 Here is an example of how the convolutions of the human mind cause suspicion and distrust between individuals.
 I go to my local village post office and buy an expensive tin of chocolate biscuits for Xmas. It's his last one, so I pay for it but offer to leave it on display while he orders more. He writes down my order in his little book.  I ask him to make sure he remembers I've paid.
Two weeks later in the shop he tells me the biscuits have arrived. He hands me the tin and asks for the money. I tell him I've paid. He says he doesn't remember me paying. He doesn't accuse me directly of not paying, but to me it could translate to 'I would have remembered if you'd paid.' I tell him I remember and I know I paid. He then says he never wrote anything down. This could translate to 'I would have written it down if you'd paid.' By now other customers are interested and there is a nasty whiff of suspicion in the air that one of us is trying it on. My hackles have risen and I  tell him  to stuff his biscuits and everything else and that I'm withdrawing my custom. He asks me if I’ve taken offence  What do you think I reply. 
 The point is that everything he said may have been entirely innocent and it may be me that has the suspicious mind. They say pride comes before a fall. I hope I haven't fallen onto the hole in my face where my nose was.    

Thursday 15 November 2012

Choosing a Care Home



Before choosing a care home consider several points.
Names like St Decrepit,  Peaceful End, Terminal  Mansion, Treasonable Tariffs, Short Outlooks etc can often be disingenuous. Avoid.
If it overlooks a cemetery - avoid.
Scrutinize the Matron and staff. If they are heavily muscled and wearing boots - avoid.
Read the menu. An abundance of fish cakes and an absence of Ferrero Roche is an indicator of food meanness - avoid.
Look for signs of violent struggle - broken crutches, blood stains on the carpet and wheelchairs in the pond, always a bad sign. If evident - avoid
 Ask the local undertaker how many times he has visited in the last year. If more than one per week - Avoid.
Find out what car the owner drives. Anything equivalent to a Merc or better - avoid.
If there's such a thing out there, let me know I'll put my name down.


Saturday 3 November 2012

Sticking Together


Families should stick together - I’ve always believed that.

Look after your own. When father passed over to wherever

that is, we took mother in after a  bowel operation left her

rather incommoded. We didn’t expect her to last  long.

How little we knew how tough these old Lancashire cotton 

mill girls could be.

She wouldn’t give up. Not on your Nelly! For fifteen more 

years she sat watching her telly, until she was 109 and had 

a stack of identical Xmas cards from the Queen and made it 

into the top ten oldest women in Britain.

Of course there were benefits for us too. We get a free TV 

license because she’s over 75. I say ‘get’ in the present 

tense because… well why does anyone have to know she’s 

passed over?  So we had her embalmed in her favorite 

wheelchair and carried on as normal. Well I certainly wasn’t 

going to scatter her ashes with father’s on top of Ben Nevis

Not with my RA. That reminds me, his ashes are still in the 

urn in her wardrobe and some of our roses need a bit of 

phosphate.

Mother still seems to enjoy watching Corrie and Emmerdale 

but of course doesn’t answer the questions on the quiz 

shows like she used to. She loves Ann Robinson and I’m 

sure I still hear that insane cackle of hers. We still take her 

shopping to meet her friends and move her head backwards 

and forwards manually so they think she’s nodding at them. 

They all comment on how well she looks and say such nice 

things. I’m sure mother can hear them. Our electricity bill 

has gone down hugely too as we have to keep her 

reasonably cool to stop any gases building up. Wouldn’t 

want her exploding - we’d never hear the end of it.  Our food 

bill is also less now she doesn’t indulge in all those cream 

cakes, pastries and chocolate she knew would be the death 

of her. And it’s so nice to have a proper staircase again 

instead of that funicular railway that groaned it’s way up and 

down at snail speed every day. I could never understand 

why they couldn’t make them quicker. I suppose it’s so they 

don’t fly off at the top and land in the bath.

All in all, we like to think she’s still having a damn good life 

or rather death and wonder why more people don’t preserve 

their loved ones in this way.

Mediaeval Britain


This is a small extract from my novel about mediaeval Britain.


The two knights, Sir Lancemenot in blue strip and Sir Gladhehad in red, faced each other at opposite ends of the jousting arena.  Lances and shields at the ready they prepared to do battle. 
The bee flew into Lancemenot’s helmet just as he snapped the visor shut. For a few brief moments, metal clad limbs, thrashed about wildly, before toppling ignominiously off the horse in a clanking, groaning heap. The stricken knight ripped off his helmet just in time and smiled with relief as the bee flew off without stinging him. The smile disappeared as Gladhehad smashed his head in with his spiked ball on a chain. Lancemenot, eyes watering, tried to stand up but his armour was too much of an impediment. He watched helplessly as the red knight swung his sword to deliver the coup de grace. He had just enough time to scream ‘It’ll still be my bastard’ before his head was detached and kicked into touch. Many spectators shouted ‘Foul play’ and ‘We want our money back and Lady Guinowhere spewed up her morning sickness over the king’s dog.’



I HATE LIBERALS


What is liberal about denying the right of individuals to act on their own initiative without the fear of violating some thoughtlessly devised petty rule that only protects those with something to hide, or to by-pass so called ‘official channels’ in the cause of expediting justice. I call that suppression - suppression of common sense and the right of individual freedom to act in good faith without recourse to higher authority.

The Man We Need


I love the analogy between voting UKIP and Oliver Cromwell

"It is high time for me to put an end to your sitting in this place, which you have dishonoured by your contempt for all virtue, and defiled by your practice of every vice; ye are a factious crew, and enemies to all good government; ye are a pack of mercenary wretches, and would  like Esau sell your country for a mess of pottage.... Is there a single virtue now remaining amongst you? Is there one vice you do not possess? Ye have no more religion than my horse; gold is your god; which of you have not bartered your conscience for bribes?...Ye are grown intolerably odious to the whole nation; ye were deputed here by the people to get grievances redress'd, and are yourselves gone....In the name of God, go!"

Oliver Cromwell dismissing parliament April 1653

Thursday 1 November 2012

The Joy of Being Poor

The Joy Of Being Poor


I

Let others sing of gold and gear, the joy of being rich;
But oh, the days when I was poor, a vagrant in a ditch!
When every dawn was like a gem, so radiant and rare,
And I had but a single coat, and not a single care;
When I would feast right royally on bacon, bread and beer,
And dig into a stack of hay and doze like any peer;
When I would wash beside a brook my solitary shirt,
And though it dried upon my back I never took a hurt;
When I went romping down the road contemptuous of care,
And slapped Adventure on the back -- by Gad! we were a pair;
When, though my pockets lacked a coin, and though my coat was old,
The largess of the stars was mine, and all the sunset gold;
When time was only made for fools, and free as air was I,
And hard I hit and hard I lived beneath the open sky;
When all the roads were one to me, and each had its allure . . .
Ye Gods! these were the happy days, the days when I was poor.

II

Or else, again, old pal of mine, do you recall the times
You struggled with your storyettes, I wrestled with my rhymes;
Oh, we were happy, were we not? -- we used to live so "high"
(A little bit of broken roof between us and the sky);
Upon the forge of art we toiled with hammer and with tongs;
You told me all your rippling yarns, I sang to you my songs.
Our hats were frayed, our jackets patched, our boots were down at heel,
But oh, the happy men were we, although we lacked a meal.
And if I sold a bit of rhyme, or if you placed a tale,
What feasts we had of tenderloins and apple-tarts and ale!
And yet how often we would dine as cheerful as you please,
Beside our little friendly fire on coffee, bread and cheese.
We lived upon the ragged edge, and grub was never sure,
But oh, these were the happy days, the days when we were poor.

III

Alas! old man, we're wealthy now, it's sad beyond a doubt;
We cannot dodge prosperity, success has found us out.
Your eye is very dull and drear, my brow is creased with care,
We realize how hard it is to be a millionaire.
The burden's heavy on our backs -- you're thinking of your rents,
I'm worrying if I'll invest in five or six per cents.
We've limousines, and marble halls, and flunkeys by the score,
We play the part . . . but say, old chap, oh, isn't it a bore?
We work like slaves, we eat too much, we put on evening dress;
We've everything a man can want, I think . . . but happiness.
Come, let us sneak away, old chum; forget that we are rich,
And earn an honest appetite, and scratch an honest itch.
Let's be two jolly garreteers, up seven flights of stairs,
And wear old clothes and just pretend we aren't millionaires;
And wonder how we'll pay the rent, and scribble ream on ream,
And sup on sausages and tea, and laugh and loaf and dream.

And when we're tired of that, my friend, oh, you will come with me;
And we will seek the sunlit roads that lie beside the sea.
We'll know the joy the gipsy knows, the freedom nothing mars,
The golden treasure-gates of dawn, the mintage of the stars.
We'll smoke our pipes and watch the pot, and feed the crackling fire,
And sing like two old jolly boys, and dance to heart's desire;
We'll climb the hill and ford the brook and camp upon the moor . . .
Old chap, let's haste, I'm mad to taste the Joy of Being Poor.

Robert William Service


Saturday 27 October 2012

Trapped


TRAPPED  

The carriage is almost full; just one seat half unoccupied. Loveday makes his decision.  The large, ginger haired woman it is then. Ignore the aggressive glare and try to avoid physical contact. He gropes awkwardly in his pocket. Damn! No paracetamol.  Dirty, antiquated rolling stock, fit only for midgets. What’s the country coming to?
Valkyrie slowly turns a frog like head. Little creep has nerve; thought she’d covered both seats. Hate little city slicker types. Flabby buttocks gently vibrate. Get a whiff of that mate. She wrinkles a podgy nose and regards Loveday with beady eyes.  Je vous accuse.
“What’s that bruise on your head?”
Loveday blinks. Is she talking to him? Is his small lump that obvious? What’s that bloody awful smell? He wants to tell the others it isn’t him.
What the hell’s it got to do with her? You don’t just interrogate strangers on trains. Try to hold breath and speak simultaneously. 
 “On the roof of a train; got hit by a low bridge,” he mumbles.
Sarky little runt.  “You don’t honestly expect me to believe that. What train?”
Bad breath, BO, flatulence.  Loveday squirms inwardly, glancing round desperately, for salvation.
“…The one before this,” he replies unconvincingly, feeling queasy.
“What…the four thirty?”
“Yes, the four thirty.”
She snorts triumphantly. “Now I know you’re lying. There isn’t a four thirty.  I made it up.”
Dear God, give him strength. Loveday wished there was. He’d have made sure he was on the bloody thing.